gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
