You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
