I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
