Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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