god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
