if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
