we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just gift wrapped bread.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
