I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
