That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
