The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
