I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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