Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
