I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize