You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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