Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
