I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
