Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
