she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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