While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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