Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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