I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
