Apparently you make a good broom.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
