I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's shark week go big or go home
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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