i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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