she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
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i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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