the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity