I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
