it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
