Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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