I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize