I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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