my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
