After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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