just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
