You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
