cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
