Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
