He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
