ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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