fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I understand Curling. That high.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
