he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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