i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
