No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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