i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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