My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
