I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
