I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
