ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
