The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
