I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
