Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
