mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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