if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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