I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she pinky promised me she was 18
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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